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u.s. bedtime story, so funny.
| Message Board > General Chitchat > u.s. bedtime story, so funny. |
| jay brown User Info... | Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq? A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction. Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction. A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them. Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq? A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections. Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we? A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election. Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction? A: To use them in a war, silly. Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them? A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves. Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back? A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense. Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did. A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway. Q: And what was that? A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country. Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country? A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people. Q: Kind of like what they do in China? A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer. Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people? A: Right. Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured? A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured. Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China? A: I told you, China is different. Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq? A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist. Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad? A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad. Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad? A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured. Q: Like in Iraq? A: Exactly. Q: And like in China, too? A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not. Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor? A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us. Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists? A: Don't be a smart-ass. Q: I didn't think I was being one. A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba. Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement? A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway. Q: What's a military coup? A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States. Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup? A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend. Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate? A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate. Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader? A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan. Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan? A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th. Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th? A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans. Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that? A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban. Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands? A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too. Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001? A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs. Q: Fighting drugs? A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies. Q: How did they do such a good job? A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off. Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people?s heads and hands off for other reasons? A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread. Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia? A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply. Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too? A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering. Q: What's the difference? A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name. A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends. Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia. A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan. Q: Who trained them? A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden. Q: Was he from Afghanistan? A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man. Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once. A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s. Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about? A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now. Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians, are now our friends? A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either. Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too? A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do? A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade. Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s? A: Well, yeah. For a while. Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then? A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily. Q: Why did that make him our friend? A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy. Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds? A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend. Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend? A: Most of the time, yes. Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy? A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better. Q: Why? A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq? Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right? A: Yes. Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq? A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do. Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head? A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night. Q: Good night, Daddy. - Wed, 4 Jun 2003 7:15pm | ||
| KnifeGhost User Info... | I'm a Godless Unamerican Communist!!! Word, Jay Brown, that was gold... - Wed, 4 Jun 2003 8:08pm | ||
| Seanor User Info... | hahahahaha! it all makes so much more sense now - Wed, 4 Jun 2003 8:59pm | ||
| S.V. | That was brilliant! Well worth the read. Where did you find that gem? - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 12:09am | ||
| METALHEAD!% | That was good. It makes me feel like writing a small poem...... Bush ran a country that started a war, He did it to stop from becomming poor. The country was the states, They are our very close mates, So we will just let them do it some more. - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 12:33am | ||
| Isobellia User Info... | A lack of oil - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 7:10am | ||
| The Ref | Very funny stuff JB!!!! - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 10:35am | ||
| Virge User Info... | that was good! i'm gonna email it to people right now. - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 1:42pm | ||
| Just a THought | Great Stuff! A history lesson for the uninformed too! - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 8:06pm | ||
| Ali Baba | It's easy to persuade people when you don't use facts or tell the truth. - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 9:35pm | ||
| Anonymous | Holy Shit... where'd the hell you'd come up with that?!!! I too am forwarding it. Shit... - Thu, 5 Jun 2003 10:20pm | ||
| Anonymous | as if we actually "know" the truth either way.... Musicians and actors should stay out of politics, I vowed to stay out of politics cause Im too mental or too metal. - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 1:29am | ||
| KnifeGhost User Info... | Previous Anon: Fuck that... A lot of musicians I know are a lot more perceptive and critical than the average population.... I say get more politics into music and acting.... - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 4:27am | ||
| The Ref | Some of the most insightful political commentary on the war in Iraq was given by musicians and actors. You have no idea what you're talking about! Artist's are more aware of the world then any politian that I have heard of! The world would be a much better place with an artist of some sort running it! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 9:56am | ||
| The Ref | PS JB, sent this to allot of my friends and they all had a great laugh! Great post! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 9:59am | ||
| Anonymous | ok fine dipshits! After the US is Nuked and the new dictatorship rules over us, actors and musicians will be shot and burned too. I just thought it would be better to keep our fucking mouths shut and maybe start being acknowledged as artists again. Would be safer in most counties. - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 10:06am | ||
| some girl.... | Ummm, Ronald Reagan was an actor... Can you imagine the world if Christopher Walken (sp?) ran it??? How about Micheal J. Fox as our Prime Minister? I'd vote for Tom Hanks: he was great in "Splash." - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 10:56am | ||
| Jedi | OZZY for president! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 11:32am | ||
| The Ref | ok fine dipshits! After the US is Nuked and the new dictatorship rules over us, actors and musicians will be shot and burned too. I just thought it would be better to keep our fucking mouths shut and maybe start being acknowledged as artists again. Would be safer in most counties. Hmmm??? Let's just speak of the western hemisphere there jolly (bleak) attititude guy! Or maybe even just the free world. Europe, North America etc... Who the fuck is gonna nuke the US??? Not likely! I'd have'ta say that the probabilities of that are few and far between. Get real! We don't live in a comic book here! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 12:18pm | ||
| The Ref | PS I second that "Ozzy for Prez"! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 12:22pm | ||
| Anonymous | Sorry guys but Ozzy can't even figure out how to use a channel changer, he uses frozen ham to resolve his disputes with the nieghbours and his kids are out of his control........hmmm wait a minute......yeah right Ozzy for president! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 12:27pm | ||
| Anonymous | "It's funny because it's true." - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 1:26pm | ||
| polly | better than who they got now, that's for sure! at least he speaks "english".. - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 1:29pm | ||
| some girl... | What do you mean who wil nuke the US? Iraq will silly! You know, with all the weapons that they're hiding. Geeesh, where have you been living? A cave? (ha ha) - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 1:49pm | ||
| The Ref | Haha! Yea, all those WMD's??? They're every where! Wait til they start to use them. Be afraid, be very afraid!! Good one Some Girl!!! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 2:23pm | ||
| KnifeGhost User Info... | Laugh it up, Ref!!! We're in clear danger from the biological weapons they possess!!! Haven't you heard that US Marines found empty barrels that _may_ have contained dangerous fertilizer that _could_ be used int he production of biological weapons? What else could fertilizer be used for in an agricultural compound? Now more than ever we need actors and musicians and dentists and truck drivers and authors and clerks and secretaries and unemployed people and university professors and janitors standing up and criticizing the Bush administration..... - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 4:42pm | ||
| Anonymous | Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 4:54pm | ||
| The Ref | Hey Knifeghost. Perhaps you missed the point? I was being very sarcastic. Listen...There aint no WMD's in Iraq. What the Marines _may_ or _may_ not have found is crap! I wouldn't beleive a word that the American Govnmt, media or armed forces says! All they wanted was the oil!!!! As well as to make sure that they had a strangle hold on oil production in the area so that they could fuck with OPEC nations. This way, they could make sure that the EURO didn't take the place of the almighty American dollar when it came to global money markets. Many nations were starting to switch their trading dollars to the EURO and that terrified WBUSH and his Warmongering Buddies! So there! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 7:37pm | ||
| The Ref | Oh yea and "Wuh The Fuk, Sharonnnnn, they made me presidennnnnttttt"! OZZZY OZZZY!!! - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 7:43pm | ||
| fuck..... | yeah you're all political geniuses! go solve the world's problems you guys! remember, this discussion isn't about dialogue, it's about moral superiority! who thinks they know the most? who's opinion is right or wrong? that's what it's all about...... - Fri, 6 Jun 2003 7:44pm | ||
| The Ref | Hey Fuck, I'd say that your handle says it all!!! - Sat, 7 Jun 2003 10:35am | ||
| KnifeGhost User Info... | Ref: Sorry, dude, _you_ missed the point.... I, too, was being very sarcastic..... But I'm getting either really good or really lazy at sarcasm, and it can be hard to identify..... The reason my post sounds so stupid is because it's supposed to.... - Sat, 7 Jun 2003 7:51pm | ||
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