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Man club: rules to live by
| Message Board > General Chitchat > Man club: rules to live by |
| BBJones User Info... | 1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 3. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me." 5. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 6. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. 9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." 10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. 11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. 12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. 13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. 14. Our last fight was my fault; My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" 15. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. 16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." 17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. 20. Why do brides wear white? Men like their dishwasher to match the fridge and range - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 9:44am | ||
| BBJones User Info... | Part 2 ------ Why did the woman cross the road? I don't know, but what was she doing OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!?? --------------------------- Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them. --------------------------- Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. --------------------------- Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. --------------------------- What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. --------------------------- What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party --------------------------- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem? --------------------------- Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken --------------------------- When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it. - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 1:04pm | ||
| Chryst_al_Mighty User Info... | on the otherside of the coin: ** Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for men? - No phone numbers. ** Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than a woman? - Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. ** How many men does it take to pop popcorn? - Three . . . one to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. ** What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. ** What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. ** How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. ** How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases beer instead of one. ** What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. ** What is the quickest way to a man's Heart ??? Through his chest with a sharp knife ....... Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes. ** My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time.... One cooking and one cleaning. Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ** Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. ** How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. ** Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. ** How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short. What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? - The man. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? - His wife is good at picking out clothes. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? - Slow. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? - Castrated. - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 4:59pm | ||
| The Grim Reefer User Info... | The Man Club Ones Rules...Fuck your other side of the coin...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!? - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 5:29pm | ||
| Chryst_al_Mighty User Info... | ur just bitter because this is what your last few bitches had to say: 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. ####, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it? - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 5:49pm | ||
| METALNECK User Info... | What does wife stand for? Wash Iron Fold Etc. What do you do when the dishwasher stops working? Slap the bitch and tell her to get back to work. Why do they make snowmen and not snowwomen? Takes too long to hollow out the head. How many husbands does it take to screw in a lightbulb in the kitchen? None, the bitch can cook in the dark. What do you do when your wife is hobbling around the backyard screaming? Shoot her again. I am gonna stop typing before I get myself in trouble. I don't really mean any offense to women. i just like to contribute. - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 6:35pm | ||
| Chryst_al_Mighty User Info... | Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch! Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: Why do men become smarter during sex? A: Because they are plugged into a genius Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions. Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born? A. To knock the penises off the smart ones. Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A. His body. ** The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.** ok enough is enough � what we have proved here today is we are all capable of cutting and pasting comments thought up by much more wittier people then any of us.:P - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 7:37pm | ||
| Dan Conner User Info... | HAHAHA... Fuck I laughed at you're 2nd one, Christ al Mighty... damn thats good - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 7:48pm | ||
| Dick Slpint User Info... | I read this today and showed it to a couple of my co-workers. We're all married or shacked up - have been for some time. We all had a good laugh and then one of my co-workers came back with a puzzled look on his face and said, "You know what is sad? Half of this shit really isn't that far off. Since we've been married I haven't gotten laid half as much as I would like. I'm always doing something wrong that I cannot make right and you have no idea how often I stare at my wife wishing she would just shut up. Really." Now, I love my wife and I know that (despite his outburst) this guy does too. However, jokes like these don't get made up for no reason. I am not versed enough to speculate why these general statements are made, but most guys I talk to who have been in a relationship for more than a couple of years have expressed many of the same feelings about their wives/partners. My theory: God is a vindictive Lesbian. However she did not come to grips with her sexuality until the late sixties after she had been used by several male angels on the pearly white clouds of heaven. As a result, she cannot stand men, but she is God so she must at least portray impartiality in her treatment of the sexes. So, around 1970 God the Lesbian began a biological experiment, introducing higher levels of estrogen to the female brain. The effects have snowballed and here we are today - discussing our insecurities on a useless musician's website. Goddammit. - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 8:12pm | ||
| DEATH User Info... | Oh man, the more sick and ignorant they get the harder I laugh!!! The women having small feet and the one about the woman limping in the back yard were especially funny! Though I agree that alot of these things do ring true alot of the time, on both sides no doubt, I know I'm guilty of one: ** How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases beer instead of one.** All you other guys who plan ahead also know that is damn true!!! \m/ [EDIT] I'm such a sick fuck... I can't believe I'm still laughing at this: How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Well I can, and I am. HAhahhaha - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 10:57pm | ||
| Chryst_al_Mighty User Info... | i know - #32 on my second post is still making me laugh all these hours later..... and sigh because its slow at the old whore house tonight here is another cut and paste funny: (sorry for the length but theres some good ones) 82 Rules and instructions for men 1.Don't call. EVER. 2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3.Lie. 4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "Spike" 5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them. 6.Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it. 7.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do. 8.Always remember You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 9.Lie. 10.Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. 11.Never ask for help....even if you really, really need it. People will think you have no penis. 12.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 13.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 14.TWO WORDS Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis) 15.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 16.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 17.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. 18.Lie. 19.Deny everything. Everything. 20.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them...you're a man remember?) They really want to know. 21.Don't have a clue. 22.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. 23.No means yes. 24.Yes means no. 25.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules. 26.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. 27.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. 28.Feelings? What feelings? 29.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass. 30.Lie I tell you!! 31.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Q "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" A "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." 32.Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Dough, make sure you make a replica of your penis.Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%). 33.Lie. 34."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. 35.A general rule If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. 36.Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle. 37.Lie. 38.Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it. 39.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. 40.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour. 41.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. 42.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 43.Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. 44.Lie. 45.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 46.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 47.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP!This is the desired reaction. 48.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. 49.You are male, therefore you are superior. 50.Agenda for a typical evening Get Vodka. Drink Vodka. Play with yourself.Have sex. Drink more Vodka. Pass out. 51.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 52.Don't ever notice anything. 53.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. 54.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 55.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 56.Lie. 57.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. 58.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? 59.If the question begins with "Why", the answer is, "I don't know." 60.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. 61.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 62.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. 63.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. 64.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily. 65.Lie. 66.If anyone asks you for a favor...make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, and then...remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every five minutes for the rest of their life. 67.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "Is something wrong?" 68.Three words Let's be friends. Translation I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if your mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. 69.Lie. 70.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. 71.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.) 72.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 73.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. 74.Default facial expression: Blank stare. 75.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt.Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your arse. 76.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-arsed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. 77.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. 78.Vodka. Then more Vodka. 79.One word: FOOTBALL! 80.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? 81.Discuss your pecs at every opportunity 82.LIE. - Wed, 1 Oct 2003 11:40pm | ||
| DEATH User Info... | Ok that last one was more of a sob story than a joke list if you ask me ahhaha. Did I mention my pecs hurt? - Thu, 2 Oct 2003 1:39am | ||
| Wreaker of Havoc User Info... | One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. - Thu, 2 Oct 2003 2:23pm | ||
| Chryst_al_Mighty User Info... | Ok so there�s this guy � who�s not so smart � and totally broke. One day he gets this great idea that he�s going to rob a bank � so he sets out � mask, shot gun in hand jumps in his van and takes down the road looking for a bank. The first one he sees he runs in mask on � shot gun ready � and puts it up to the bitch at the front desks head and says �give me all your money.� The lady looks flustered and starts to explain to this moron that this is a sperm bank � and the only money they have is petty cash � and the only thing worth value is the samples of sperm� so looking at the possibility of doing time for this stupid crime the robber gets another great idea and tells the teller to start gulping back the samples. � She looks confused- but sir I don�t understand how that�s� �do it or ill blow your fucking head off� � fearing for her life the woman gulped back one, two , three samples� to her surprise the robber rips off his mask and she recognizes him as her husband�. To which he replies � �see now that wasn�t that fucking hard was it�..� - Thu, 2 Oct 2003 4:37pm | ||
| eboner User Info... | haha oh man best thing to read ever. - Thu, 2 Oct 2003 5:35pm | ||
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