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good morning victoria
| Message Board > General Chitchat > good morning victoria |
| HHH | New Procedure... A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 11:42am | ||
| Anonymous | Subject: The Doctor >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > Dr. Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty >>all >> > > > day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he >>couldn't. >> > > > The >> > > > guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. >> > > > >> > > > Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing >>voice, >>within >> > > > himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. >>You >> > > > aren't the >> > > > first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you >>won't be >>the >> > > > >> > > > last. Besides, you're single. Let it go." >> > > > >> > > > But invariably another voice would bring him back to >>reality: >> > > > >> > > > "Bob, you're a veterinarian." >> > > > - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 11:43am | ||
| Anonymous | A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Edmonton to Calgary. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you." - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 11:46am | ||
| Anonymous | Oh Canada. This is so true and funny. > > >>Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 12:06:47 EST > > >> > > >>It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United > > >>States > > >>in its war against terrorism.. They have promised to commit 2 of their > > >>largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops and 60 fighter jets........... > > >>However...... after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 > > >>Mounties > > >>and a flying squirrel...... > > >> - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 11:47am | ||
| Anonymous | The Funeral > > > > > > > > A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee, when she noticed a > > > > most > > > > unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetary. A long > > black > > hearse > > > > was followed by a second long black hearse, and behind the second > > hearse, > > was a > > > > solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women > > > > walking > > > > single file. > > > > > > > > The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached > > > > the woman > > > > walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now > > is a > > bad time > > > > to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral > > is > > it?" > > > > > > > > The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." > > > > > > > > "What happened to him?" > > > > > > > > `"My dog attacked and killed him." > > > > > > > > "Well, who is in the second hearse?" > > > > > > > > The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my > > > > husband > > > > when the dog turned on her." > > > > > > > > A poignant moment of silence passed between the two women. > > > > > > > > "May I borrow the dog?" > > > > > > > > "Get in line." - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 11:54am | ||
| Anonymous | Well then this should cheer you up..... > > > Having a Bad Day? > > > There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients > always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., > regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and > some > even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one > could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on > Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate > the > cause of the incidents. > > The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and > nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the > terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer > books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the > clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered > the > ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum > cleaner. > > > Having a Bad Day? > > The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill > in Alaska was 80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively > saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and > applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate > them both. > > > Still think you are having a bad day? > > A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, > almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist > towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly > current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in > two > places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. > > > STILL think you're having a bad day? > > Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs > to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke > loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two > hopeless > protesters were trampled to death. > > > What?! STILL having a bad day? > > Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. > It > came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the > bomb, > he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better? - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 11:57am | ||
| Anonymous | >> "Hello, is this the RCMP?" >> "Yes. What do you want?" >> I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Joe . He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." >> "Thank you very much for the call, sir." >> >> The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Joe's house. >>They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, >>they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. >> They swore at Joe and left. >> >> The phone rang at Joe's house. "Hey, Joe! Did the RCMP >>come?" >> "Yeah!" >> "Did they chop your firewood?" >> "Yep." >> "Happy Birthday, Buddy" - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 12:01pm | ||
| Anonymous | This is the text of radio transmissions recorded off the East Coast in 1995: Vessel approaching we suggest you change course 15 degrees northeast. We suggest you change course 15 degrees southwest. Say again, this is a American Naval vessal suggest you change course 15 degrees NE. Again, we suggest you change course. This is the Captain of a large American warship suggest you change course NOW! This is the keeper of a Canadian Lighthouse, its your call. - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 12:11pm | ||
| Anonymous | thats not that funny the full version of that joke had something to do with satalites and radar and Y2K. It would have to be a third world joke the way you wrote it - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 12:24pm | ||
| Anonymous | The Queen, Jean Cretien, and George Bush were flying in a helicopter to an emergency UN summit. On the way the Queen through a quarter out the side of the helicopter and proudly stated "I just made one person happy". George Bush, in a desperate attempt to save face, threw two quarters out the side of the helpicopter and boasted "I just made two people happy". Jean Cretien grabbed George Bush and threw him out the side of the helicopter stating "I just made everbody happy". - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 1:06pm | ||
| Anonymous | An interesting fact about the USA: Did you know that after 300 years, even yogurt grows a culture? - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 1:12pm | ||
| HHH | it only takes me 30 days without a bath to grow a culture - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 2:08pm | ||
| ticklefish | The Vatican was running out of space, what with all the new souls being converted all over the world. They needed new real estate. So, they negotiated all teh necessary deals to buy up a block of real estate adjacent to the Vatican in Rome. All properties were settled, except for an orthodox Jewish Synagogue. They would not sell. The Pope decided he had better talk to the rabbi himself to reach an agreement. He walked into the synagogue,a nd after a minute, the Pope and the Rabbi realized they spoke no languages in common, so they had to use sign language. The pope held up his arms wide. The rabbi shook his head and stomped his foot. The pope held up three fingers The rabbi held up his middle digit. The pope poured some wine and got out some bread The rabbi took out an apple, polished it and took a bite. The pope left in a huff. Back at the Vatican everyone asked the Pope what happened. "I went over there,a nd said "God is everywhere" The Rabbi said "No, god is here" Then I held up three fingers to signify the holy trinity, The Rabbi said "No, God is one" Then I took out the communion kit to remind the Rabbi that Christ himself was a Jew and gave his life for God. The Rabbi took out the apple to remind me of the Original Sin...I realized we could never communicate or see things the same way. it is hopeless. Meanwhile back at the synagogue, everyone wanted to know what had happened. "Well" said teh Rabbi, " The pope said You have three days to get out", I said "We're staying right here" Then he said "You have three days to get out", I said "Fuck you", then we had lunch. - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 4:12pm | ||
| ticklefish | Damn, made a mistake: at the beginning of the Rabbi's comments he says "the Pope said "we want the whole thing", I said "we're staying right here" then the Pope said "you have three days to get out"..... - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 4:21pm | ||
| Anonymous | There was a Texas Cotton farmer sitting on his front porch. He was feeling pretty good about things, he had his slaves out picking cotton and he was just sitting and drinking a Mint Julep when a Canadian drove by. The Canadian, being curious as we are, stopped his car and got out. He started talking to the farmer about his operation. After the farmer got done explaining how things worked the Canadian thought about it for a short time then he said: "You know I'll bet you could teach a monkey how to do this job. You could free all your slaves and you'd only have to feed the monkeys bananas. Think of how much money you could save." After the Canadian left the Cotton farmer decided to give it a try. He got a monkey, took it out into the field and showed it how to pick the cotton in return for a banana. The monkey got really excited and began to pick faster than any of the slaves. Before long the Farmer had freed all his slaves and replaced them with monkeys. He was sitting on his porch with a Mint Julep and a stalk of bananas having a grand time. One of his neighbours came by. He was startled to see all the monkeys running around in the cotton field. "Geez George, what's going on. What are all those monkeys doing in your field?" "They're picking my cotton and making me a ton of money." "Is that so, where did you ever get an idea like that?" "Well this Canadian guy came by and suggested it." "A Canadian, those Canadians sure are smart. Why, I hear they have over a 100,000 frogs cutting lumber for them up there in Quebec!" - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 4:24pm | ||
| BBJones User Info... | What's brown and bubbly and scratches at the window.... ... a baby in a microwave... - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 4:27pm | ||
| HHH | The monkey joke was funny. Alabama Porch Monkeys made good slaves. Now that they are free, a few have become human, most are still living in big cities living like animals. - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 4:57pm | ||
| BBJones User Info... | What's red and squirms in the corner? A baby playing with a razor blade... - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 5:14pm | ||
| BBJones User Info... | What's green and sits in the corner... Same baby two weeks later... - Thu, 13 Mar 2003 5:14pm | ||
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