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15 Little Known Chuck Norris Facts
| Message Board > Found on the web > 15 Little Known Chuck Norris Facts |
| slEazy User Info... | 15 Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. 3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. 11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. 14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. Fuckin Chuck Norris - Wed, 16 Nov 2005 11:41am | ||
| oh the pain User Info... | that has to be some of the funniest shit that i have ever read on this site. EVER. - Wed, 16 Nov 2005 11:53am | ||
| \m/ User Info... | Here are a few more I hunted down Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the nuts out of little kids. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. - Wed, 16 Nov 2005 12:37pm | ||
| _Griphin_ User Info... | Makes me wanna grow a beard, oh yeah, NEVER QUESTION CHUCK NORRIS!!!! - Wed, 16 Nov 2005 2:26pm | ||
| Ty Stranglehold User Info... | I thought it was going to say that Chuck Norris sued Burger King because their silent "King" character looks an awful lot like ol' Lone Wolf McQuade.... But obiviously it had to be the razor wire! - Wed, 16 Nov 2005 6:33pm | ||
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| jackass User Info... | 1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds til." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. 3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 4. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. 5. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. 6. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris. 7. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 8. In an average living room there are 124 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. 9. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. 10. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 11. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 12. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 13. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. - Mon, 5 Dec 2005 1:39pm | ||
| Jesspsycho User Info... | too funny - Mon, 5 Dec 2005 1:46pm | ||
| _Griphin_ User Info... | 12. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Be scared of Chuck Norris!!! - Wed, 28 Dec 2005 1:16pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Wow! I never knew he was so popular. *this message posted by Chuck after delivering justice to the slow witted dumpstermesh. - Thu, 29 Dec 2005 9:00pm | ||
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