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I'm bored, hung over and at work: TALK TO ME
| Message Board > General Chitchat > I'm bored, hung over and at work: TALK TO ME |
| some girl... User Info... | well.... amuse me. Make me laugh. I want cheer. - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 7:44am | ||
| jackass User Info... | So this guy dies, and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter or whatever his name is, says to the guy, "tell me about your last day alive...from this I will judge to see if you are worthy of entering." The guy says, "man, I had the worst day of my life. I came home from work early, because I thought for sure my wife was cheating on me. I burst into my place and find my wife standing there naked, but nobody else around. I searched the entire place, still nobody. I live on the 30th floor of a high rise, so I went out on the patio, and sure enough, there is someone hanging from their fingers from the deck. So I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started whacking on the fuckers hands. I turn around, my wife is screaming at me and pushes our fridge out onto the deck on top of me. The fridge and I both fall over the railing and here I am. What a shitty day." St. Peter agrees, this is a shitty day and lets the guy in. The next guy in line approaches, and St. Peter asks him to tell about his final day. "Well, I live on the 31st floor of a high rise, and I was out on my patio doing aerobics, when I accidentally fall over the railing. Luckily, I manage to grab onto the deck one floor below me. I'm hanging there, clinging to the deck for my life, when some psycho comes out with a hammer and starts bashing my fingers! I fell 30 floors to the ground, but luckily some bushes saved my fall. I was just about to get up when a fridge falls on me and kills me. What kind of luck is that!?!" St. Peter chuckles to himself, and lets the poor bastard in. Then St. Peter turns to the 3rd guy and says, "well, what's your story?" The 3rd guy replies, "picture this...I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator....." - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 8:48am | ||
| jackass User Info... | I'm famous for this one... There are these two sausages in a hot frying pan. That pan is hot! It's really hot. The two sausages are just sweating up a storm, grease everywhere. One sausage looks at the other sausage and says, "shit..hot enough for you?" The other sausage looks at the other sausage and yells, "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!" ...boo - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 8:57am | ||
| sudz User Info... | Three Guys These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze, I'm always drunk " The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy's thinking, "Yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. He goes in and the Devil shuts the door. The third man said "It's gotta be the weed, I'm always tokin' up". The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him. One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke. "I'll never drink again!", he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in "I'm gay!" he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well. The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek. "You got a light, Man." - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 9:01am | ||
| some girl... User Info... | heee heee heee. Oh my poor poor head. I think I'll take a quick nap in the staff bathroom. I realize that's gross but I desperatly need some sleep. More cheer anyone??? Keep them coming. - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 9:13am | ||
| jackass User Info... | One day, this magic frog was trucking around through this huge forest. This magic frog was lonely, he had never, ever, ever laid eyes on another living creature in his whole life. So, on this particular day, a rabbit comes screaming through the undergrowth and nearly tramples the frog. Right on his heels is a huge bear. The frog yells out, "hold on!!! wait!!!" The rabbit and the bear stop in their tracks and come back to the frog. The frog explains that he has never seen another creature before, and since they are the first, he will grant them both 3 wishes. "Bear, you go first." The bear thinks about it for a minute, and says, "I wish all the bears in this forest except for me are lady bears." The bear thinks he is very clever indeed. The frog snaps his fingers, and says, "Done. All the bears in this forest are now lady bears. Rabbit, your turn." The rabbit, without even thinking says, "I wish for a crash helmet." The bear stares in absolute confusion at the rabbit. The frog snaps his fingers, and says, "Done." A crash helmet appears, and the rabbit puts it on. "Bear, your second wish..." The bear thinks again for a minute, then says, "I wish all the bears in the forest next to this one are all lady bears." Definitely thinking he's the smartest bear that ever was at this point. The frog snaps his fingers and says, "Done. All the bears in the forest next to this one are now all lady bears. Rabbit?" The rabbit says, "I wish for a big fat chopper." The bear can't believe his ears. "Stupid rabbit!! You could have anything you want!! What are you thinking??" The frog snaps his fingers and a huge motorbike appears. "Bear, your last wish?" The bear, a mischevious light in his eyes, says, "I wish all the bears in the entire WORLD are lady bears." Yep, smartest bear that ever was, right here. The frog snaps his fingers and says, "Done. All the bears in the entire world are lady bears. Rabbit, your final wish?" The rabbit hops on the motorcycle, fires it up and revs it real loud. Looks back at the frog and says, "I wish the bear was gay," and guns the bike off through the forest. - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 9:22am | ||
| some girl... User Info... | ha ha ha. More! More!! - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 9:45am | ||
| SweetGrass User Info... | Oh Somegirl... I find myself laughing outloud to these jokes thinking if I was hungover it would hurt! Try a little honey, lemon and cayanne pepper in a shot glass !Sure fire way to improve your day! - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 10:15am | ||
| some girl... User Info... | Sweetgrass: all I have here at work is black current tea-- which tastes like perfume. Only 5 more hours until I can go back to bed. I want pizza, ketchup chips and my boyfriend to baby me. I'm such a wuss. - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 10:31am | ||
| jackass User Info... | you remember that computer game, Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards? There was one part of the game where Larry goes into a bar and sits down, and there is a guy there that goes, "blah, blah, blah" and then spits out the punch line of jokes. I got the supplemental guide for the game, and it had the jokes that went with it. Here's one I remember: So this dude goes out to work in a logging camp, and he happens to notice that there are no women at all, only men. He asks his foreman about it, "so, I can't help but notice there are no women here. What does everybody do to, you know, get some satisfaction?" The foreman replies, "well, you see..there's this barrel out back of the outhouse..it's got a knothole in it. Most guys use that." The dude, totally disgusted, refuses to ever use that. "That's sad and disgusting. Forget it." To which the foreman replies, "suit yourself." A few months go by, and that knothole is sounding a better and better. So one night, dude sneaks up to the barrel, whips it out and gives it a go. To his surprise, it's not that bad, in fact, down right pleasurable. The next day, dude goes to his supervisor, "so you mean to tell me that anytime I want I can just go up there and use that barrel?" The foreman says, "sure, every night but Thursday." Dude asks, "why not Thursday?" Foreman replies, "cause Thursday's your night in the barrel." - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 12:02pm | ||
| The Queen User Info... | Hey some girl! Sorry to hear yer not feeling so great. Hope wing night was fun. Just wanted to apologize for not keeping in touch this week.....MIDTERMS=STRESS!!!!! Let's get together this weekend okay? - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 1:26pm | ||
| some girl... User Info... | My brother is getting married this weekend! And then its Thanksgiving so I guess we'll have to meet up sometime after?? I hope your exams are going well! Only 21 more minutes then I get to go home! - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 3:39pm | ||
| The Queen User Info... | Holy busy weekend! Yep, we'll have to get together after. Have fun at the wedding!!! Do you get turkey dinner? - Wed, 8 Oct 2003 3:43pm | ||
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