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jokes for guitar players
| Message Board > General Chitchat > jokes for guitar players |
| Ace User Info... | The 3 lies of the guitarist 1) I won't play a solo on the next song. 2) I don't need a tuner. I can play without one. 3) I can't hear myself. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? -- Homeless! The 3 lies of the musician 1) I'll call you. 2) We'll do it again sometime. 3) The check's in the mail. More lies of the guitarist 1) Why? I already turned it down! 2) I couldn't hear myself again during the solo. 3) I'm playing it right from the sheet. 4) Yeah, I can read sheet music. 5) Funny, this afternoon I could play it! 6) Yeah, I listened to the tape at home and practiced the song! 7) I didn't get stoned before practice. How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -- Two. One to screw it in, and one to explain it to the drummer. What do you do when a guitarist falls in the water? -- Throw the amp with him! How do you get a guitarist to play quieter? -- You give him sheet music! And how do you get him to stop playing? -- You write a few notes on it! What does a guitarist without a job say to a guitarist with a job? -- One Big Mac Meal and a Coke! - Sun, 17 Oct 2004 5:10pm | ||
| cooper User Info... | Hahaha...the drummer one is the best. - Sun, 17 Oct 2004 6:18pm | ||
| miss personality User Info... | Accordion Jokes If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares? What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire. What's a accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map. What do you call a group of topless female accordian players? Ladies in Pain Bumper Stickers: Play an accordian--go to jail! Three rows and you're out! Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: Violinist: 25 feet Bad Violinist: 50 feet Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet Accordionist: 60 miles - Sun, 17 Oct 2004 7:35pm | ||
| Myka User Info... | what are the five least used words at a band practice? Let's ask the bass player. - Sun, 17 Oct 2004 8:46pm | ||
| Mr. Hell User Info... |  Q. What does it mean when a guitar player drools out of both sides of his mouth? A. The stage is level. - Sun, 17 Oct 2004 9:28pm | ||
| Ian User Info... | Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? A - So the rest of the band can understand them. Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common? A - They both suck without Cream. - Sun, 17 Oct 2004 10:09pm | ||
| Nik Olaz User Info... | Q: Are any of these jokes actually funny? A: No. - Sun, 17 Oct 2004 10:41pm | ||
| Fableway User Info... | thats funny - Mon, 18 Oct 2004 12:19am | ||
| miss personality User Info... | What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. - Mon, 18 Oct 2004 2:59am | ||
| Rubber Box User Info... | Did you hear about the guitarist that locked his keys in his car? It took him 3 hours to get his drummer out. - Mon, 18 Oct 2004 10:44am | ||
| soap_dodger User Info... | Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and an accordion? A: I'll take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline. - Mon, 18 Oct 2004 12:54pm | ||
| evilkleg User Info... | Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 10. One to screw in the lightbulb and 9 to stand around saying they could have done it better. - Tue, 19 Oct 2004 1:02pm | ||
| Robnoxious User Info... | How many singers do it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one but he/she just stands there and the world revolves around him/her - Tue, 19 Oct 2004 3:12pm | ||
| mavis User Info... |  "This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!" "And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon. Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..." The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room. Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen" - Tue, 19 Oct 2004 4:52pm | ||
| Masturbating The War God User Info... | Hahaha, good shit. - Tue, 19 Oct 2004 5:18pm | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb A: No idea, we've yet to find one competent enough to take up the challenge - Thu, 21 Oct 2004 8:13pm | ||
| I|I User Info... | WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN: Guitars don't get pregnant. You can play your Guitar any time of the month. Guitars don't have parents. Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to. You can share your Guitar with your friends. Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have. Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars. Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself. If your Guitar is flat you can fix it. Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it. Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar. If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again. You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore. You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it. Guitars don't get headaches. Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player. Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars. Guitars don't care if you're late. You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar. If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts. You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick. (Hee Hee) When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar. ;-) If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own. WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN (Most) MEN: Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to. Guitars don't have wives, parents or kids. Guitars don't get sick. Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style. If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again. Your Guitar always has time for you. Guitars don't watch TV. Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs. Guitars don't snore. Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom. If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one. You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own. Ha Ha !! You don't have to feed your Guitar. Guitars never argue, you are always right. Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. Guitars never try to show you off to their friends. Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars. Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars. ;-) Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is. Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on. Guitars don't care if you have to work late. When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better. (ROTF) Guitars don't care about their performance. Guitars don't get you pregnant. Guitars don't have mothers. When you've finished playing, you can put it away. SNICKER! You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it. BIG SNICKER! Guitars don't sulk. Guitars don't bore you. Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players. Guitars don't have to prove anything. Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them. Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues. Guitars never interrogate you. Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners. OUCH Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town. DOUBLE OUCH Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish. Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes. Guitars don't have egos. Guitars don't need remote control units. When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band for directions. :-> When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up. When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accomodate. SONNNN! You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used. You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right. HEE HEE You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control. Your Guitar never finishes before you do. WOW! Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it. You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother. Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday. YEAH! Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds. When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and knowthat it can be fixed). Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar. Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard. OUCH! Your Guitar will never turn into a beer bellied blob of wood and metal on the couch in front of the TV. - Mon, 25 Oct 2004 10:43pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | soap dodger - your joke was the only one that made me laugh!! - Tue, 26 Oct 2004 3:28pm | ||
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