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Message Board > General Chitchat > yet another "Candian" story... |
BBJones User Info... | It's not just the weather that's cooler in Canada Wednesday, July 30, 2003 You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there. And then one day you discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse. Allow me to introduce Canada. The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there, but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been building an espresso machine. Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed to include "freedom bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway. And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong. Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada has strict gun control laws, which means that the criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on the verge of a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.) They don't even have a death penalty! And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with guns -- brought in from the United States, which has become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America -- but my theory is that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes. They're probably more focused on shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores. And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel! We must be the only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they all have health insurance, of course, but more than those libertines up north. This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to all our stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists more interested in order and good government than liberty and independence. But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive about letting people do what they want to? Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we are, according to polls. As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large, well-organized religious groups and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than those of the United States, or, say, Iran. Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets 19-year-olds drink, has more of its population living in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than the United States. These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound. Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem more adult -- more secure. They aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality. Most of all, they're not afraid of each other. I wonder if America will ever be that cool. - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 3:38pm | ||
Raoul User Info... | hey BB, where did you find this one? - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 3:46pm | ||
FeLiXtheCaT User Info... | proud to be canadian. i find nothing wrong with pot smoking hippies or gay couples. i'd rather see someone light up a joint then shoot down a joint. you misspelt canadian in your topic title. just incase you wanted to know. - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 3:49pm | ||
_Griphin_ User Info... | What an interesting article... - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 4:20pm | ||
BBJones User Info... | http://www.post-gazette.com/columnists/20030730sam0730p1.asp ... and no Felix, I didn't want to know :) - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 5:17pm | ||
Gigantic Eel User Info... | I find it interesting that, in praising Canadians, this American writer is such a fuckin' arrogant asshole. - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 8:24pm | ||
V User Info... | turn your sarcasm detector on.. - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 8:39pm | ||
Dick Splint User Info... | Scandinavia Rules. Land of the blond beaver. - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 8:40pm | ||
Gigantic Eel User Info... | He's still being arrogant. Use your fucking brain. - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 8:44pm | ||
The Grim Reefer User Info... | Been watching Bowling For Columbine? - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 11:07pm | ||
Gigantic Eel User Info... | Sure, in between my steady diet of porn & snuff flix. - Thu, 28 Aug 2003 11:51pm | ||
Dan Conner User Info... | I don't get it. Whats wrong with 19 year olds drinking? Whats wrong with gays? Whats wrong with peace? whats wrong with pot?!? It is all good. - Fri, 29 Aug 2003 12:48am | ||
Retrovertigo User Info... | Hmmmmm, I can't tell if some of you are being intentionally dense as a joke, or if you you don't get that the author is making a mockery of American arrogance by using that tone. It's called satire. I thought it was very well done. - Tue, 2 Sep 2003 4:13pm | ||
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