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"Ten Simple Rules"
| Message Board > General Chitchat > "Ten Simple Rules" |
| The Ref User Info... | Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no-one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. By an unkown. Rcvd this in an email Funny! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 3:10pm | ||
| Masturbating The War God User Info... | Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. haha, that's my favorite. - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 3:21pm | ||
| some girl... User Info... | Eight's mmy faorite too. Hey Ref, it looks like you were transformed into a cat too? (refering to your user picture) - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 3:23pm | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | Coo! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 4:59pm | ||
| Gabri~hell User Info... | The nail-gunning of the pants is a nice touch. - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 5:35pm | ||
| lorralien User Info... | take heed of number 4. - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 6:12pm | ||
| The Ref User Info... | Yip! I got a good laugh when I read it too! Hey all, the only one of us that seems to be getting in on this new thing is the wonderfully beautiful RB. I made a suggestion a few boards back. At the end of all our threads, we must put Coo! Why you ask? Well perhaps it will become even more invisible to us all when used ten thousand times. Give it a try! Coo! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 6:32pm | ||
| The Ref User Info... | Yea Some Girl, you guys were talking so much about cats in another thread, that I put it there in honor of yawl! Besides, that really used to be me on many a night! LOL! USED TO BE! Coo! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 6:36pm | ||
| The Ref User Info... | Hey Some girl & RB. Think you'll get a laugh outta this new pic. Have a look. Also me in the morning! Coo! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 6:53pm | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | Coo!!! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 7:04pm | ||
| The Queen User Info... | Jesus! Did my dad give you this list???? Too funny! Brings back many memories of my dad being a complete asshole to my boyfriend when I was a teen. I ran into an old boyfriend of mine last year...he was always REALLY responsible when it came to sex. He confessed to me that my dad had threatened to cut his balls off if he ever got me pregnant. Fear is the best birth control! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 8:50pm | ||
| The Ref User Info... | Sorry Nev! I keep tripping over myself! Coo? Coo! - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 10:26pm | ||
| The Ref User Info... | I'm a total fuckin asshole. Coo. - Wed, 9 Jul 2003 11:05pm | ||
| Knoblin User Info... | This is what passes for humour around here?! You might as well provide a link to The Family Circus site. Fuuck. Did you see that one when Billy tracked mud all around the house and his mum (obvious boob job) asked him who did it and he said, "Not Me." and there was an invisible little ghostie with the words..get this!...NOT ME printed on his chest just fucking grinning, peekin around the corner. Hohleee Shit. Funny. - Thu, 10 Jul 2003 2:09am | ||
| The Ref User Info... | Wife Upgrade Dear Tech Support, I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but UN-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe Dear Joe: This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "ESC" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support - Thu, 10 Jul 2003 9:26am | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | that's some seriously funny shit! So true...so coo! - Thu, 10 Jul 2003 10:14am | ||
| The Ref User Info... | Coo! - Thu, 10 Jul 2003 10:21am | ||
| Knoblin User Info... | I guess there is a sub-genre of computer nerd/gamer humour? Will somebody please post a lengthy "humour" piece about busty bar wenches and horny elves to confirm this? - Fri, 11 Jul 2003 4:00am | ||
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