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101 ways to be a better asshole........
| Message Board > General Chitchat > 101 ways to be a better asshole........ |
| ROSS B AY User Info... | Argue with everybody. Touch the paintings at the museum. Get hysterical. Threaten law suits. Insinuate, implicate and insist. If you got it, flaunt it. Eat produce at the grocery store and don't pay for it. Gamble with the rent money. Record over a borrowed vcr tape Tell people that they are in your will, even if they aren't. Don't get caught. Stay directly in front or behine fire trucks and ambulances. When giving out directions, leave out a turn or two. Don't make up your mind. Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air. Remind people who lose their job that they should work harder. Talk with your mouth full. Accuse, confuse and refuse. Comment on the weight gain of others. Adjust your nuts (boob) whenever you want. Keep a pile of wisecracks for tense and serious situations. Answer a question with a question. See what it takes for the lifeguard to blow the whistle. Don't give to charities unless you get something back. Add the straw that breaks the camels back. Clean your finger nails at the dinner table. Tell people what they think they wanna hear. Notice good ideas and pass them on as your own. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations. Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons. Never do anything until you have been asked twice. Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow. Spot test "Wet Paint" signs. Go up on the down escalator and vice versa. Dont shower after a hard workout. Lie about your age. Change channels every two seconds Develop at least 3 strategies for cutting if front of a Underline in other peoples books. Slurp your soup. If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty. Be judgmental. Announce when your going to the bathroom. Read over peoples shoulders on the bus. Ignore deadlines. Revenge is sweet... so get some. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while your at it, leave the cap off. Curse the umpire at a Little League game. When it says "Reserved Parking" that means you. Take the labels off of unopened cans. Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one that you want. Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose. When your done with your gum, stick it under the chair. If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it. Bribe little kids... cause they're easy! Put a rude message on someone elses answering machine. Measure people by their money and the clothes they wear. Be ambiguous, it lets you work both sides of the issue. Leave your underwear in the sink. Chew other peoples pencils. Support the death penalty for parking tickets. Get a backseat drivers license. Dish it out, but don't take it. Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything. Apologize a lot, but don't change. Change the rules to suit your needs. Put your cigarette out in planters. Wear a shirt thats says 'Fuck You' or to that affect. Pull the covers over to your side. Eat cookies or crackers in bed. Let doors slam behind you ? in people's faces. Repeat yourself. Repeat yourself. Tell your kids 'How it was..' back when you were a kid. Vividly describe a hysterectomy to your date before ordering dinner. Scribble your signature on important documents. Use the whole can of starter fluid on the charcoal. Put things back where they don't belong. Take a colicky baby to the movies. Have belching contests in restaurants. Make the same mistake twice. Pee in the swimming pool. Ride on the shoulder un you pass all the jammed traffic, and then cut in. Wear a large hat to the movies. Always have an ulterior motive. Always take the biggest piece. Forget the pooper scooper when walking your dog. Take cheap shots. Take forever to find a word in Scrabble. Cause gridlock. Get up on the wrong side of bed. Change your mind. Glue a chip on your shoulder. Put salt in sugar containers. Blow out other peoples birthday candles. Don't refill the ice cube tray. Ask people what they paid for their clothes. Cut off people in the middle of their sentences. Practice pulling the wool over people's faces. - Sun, 4 Mar 2007 2:24pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | "Pee in the swimming pool." But do it from outside of the pool, just so they all know. - Mon, 5 Mar 2007 12:09am | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | Folks, Id like to sing a song about the American Dream About me, about you About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts Maybe below the cockles, Maybe in the sub cockle area, Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, Maybe even in the colon, we dont know Im just a regular Joe, with a regular job Im your average white, suburbanized slob I like football and porno and books about war I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor My wife and my job, my kids and my car My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just aint enough to keep a man like me interested (oh no, no way, uh uh) No I gotta go out and have fun at someone elses expense (woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah) I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane While people behind me are going insane Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole) Im an asshole (hes an asshole, such an asshole) I use public toilets and I piss on the seat I walk around in the summer time saying "how about this heat?" Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole) Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole) Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces While handicapped people make handicapped faces Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole) Im an asshole (hes a real fucking asshole) Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe theyre right when they tell me Im wrong... Nah Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole) Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole) You know what Im gonna do Im gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps And all leather cow interior And big brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah) And Im gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour Gettin' 1 mile per gallon, Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers And when Im done sucking down those greeseball burgers Im gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag And then Im gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side And there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it You know why, because weve got the bombs, thats why 2 words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want They can have a big democracy cakewalk Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it wont make a lick of difference Because weve got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead, hes frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer Were gonna thaw out the duke and hes gonna be pretty pissed off You know why, Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times Thats how pissed off the dukes gonna be! I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes, and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey, and drive down to Texas and say..... (Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!) Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal? Im an asshole (hes an asshole.what an asshole) Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole) A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody A-S-S-H-O-L-E Im an asshole and Im proud of it 'ere - Mon, 5 Mar 2007 8:26am | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | I'd like to recommend farting in an elevator. - Mon, 5 Mar 2007 10:47am | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | Oh I must recommend talking on your cellphone while you are supposed to be placing an order at the counter, or while you are going through the checkout. And parking your very large "boat" in a "small car" parking spot. - Mon, 5 Mar 2007 11:27am | ||
| Hang the DJ User Info... | God I hate it when people talk on their cell phones when they come to the counter to make a purchase. You can't even tell them what their damn total is because they dedicate their attention to the phone. I also hate it when people talk on their cell phones on the bus just to make sure that EVERYONE can hear about how drunk they were at last night's party. What also pisses me off is when people enter a store that's playing music, and they're listening to their headphones full blast, so that both songs clash horribly with each other. I also can't stand people when you are in mid conversation with them, and they pick up their phone without notice and start talking to someone else. People without phones are like that too, they just turn and start talking to someone else and ignore you. They're assholes too. - Tue, 6 Mar 2007 3:18pm | ||
| beazlbub User Info... | heres a few more to add to the list when entering your building or an elevator dont hold the doors even when you know the person lives in the building. when walking downtown with your friends make sure you take up all the sidewalk and force ppl to either walk slowly behind you or walk around you even when it means walking into traffic when working for the city be sure to do the least amount of work possible and then when confronted with your laziness blame it on the non union person and state its them that forces you to not get the work done when stopped at a crosswalk be sure to honk your horn at the ppl crossing and do your best to slowly edge your way forward so you force the pedestrian to dodge your vehicles bumper offer to help someone out but at the last second make an excuse not to walk into a store and let the salesperson believe your interested in buying something and when they set you up go to another sales person and buy from them when attending a party do your best to drink other ppls booze and later in the evening when they are out offer to sell them some of your stashed booze at an inflated price when someone is smoking a joint at a party always step into the circle and get as many tokes possible and when you finally pull out your own weed make sure you hide somewhere so you dont have to share walk up to a known bar slut and say "can i buy you a drink?...or do you just want the five bucks" when someone is crying tell them to suck it up or you will give them something to cry about anytime you see someone with their hat on sideways let them know its on crooked and mutter to yourself you cant believe how many mentally challanged ppl are out today .(you may get swarmed for this one but that just proves how stupid these ppl really are) ok i have more but thats good enough for today - Thu, 8 Mar 2007 2:57am | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | oh I have another one... Make sure you tell people they are stupid idiots because they have a different opinion than you, or a different way of doing something, or because they don't like the same things that you do. - Thu, 8 Mar 2007 10:15am | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | you're a stupid idiot. - Thu, 8 Mar 2007 3:30pm | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | shut up you idiot, you're stupid - Thu, 8 Mar 2007 4:20pm | ||
| jesspycho User Info... | Now now kids. If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. - Thu, 8 Mar 2007 5:22pm Edited: Thu, 8 Mar 2007 5:52pm | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | fuck yooooou...... - Thu, 8 Mar 2007 5:53pm | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | When you're drunk, tell the same stories over and over again, at ridiculously loud volume. - Thu, 8 Mar 2007 6:02pm | ||
| Curmudgeon Rocker User Info... | become a leafs fan /jk - Paul Maurice is o.k. - Sat, 10 Mar 2007 9:03am Edited: Sat, 10 Mar 2007 9:05am | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | So a guy ends up going to the gay bar with his gay friend.... They get inside, and his buddy splits off for a minute to go to the bathroom so he goes up to the bar to order a drink... On his way there, everyone's noticing that he's straight and keep looking at him saying Asshole.... After a while his buddy comes back and he asks him "What the fuck, just because I'm straight they're all calling me an asshole"... His buddy turns to him and says... "Don't worry, thats just their way of fucking with you" 'ere - Sat, 10 Mar 2007 9:50am | ||
| trevor corey User Info... | Steal an election, con poor young people into joining the military with promises of free education, then send them off to die so you and your buddies can make billions of $ selling weapons and stealing oil, all while driving the U.S,. ecomomy into a hole and taking the rest of the world with it. THREE $BILLION$ per WEEK!! OMG STFU! http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Bush_asshole_mosaic - Sat, 10 Mar 2007 10:17am Edited: Sat, 10 Mar 2007 10:58am | ||
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