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Random Thoughts
| Message Board > General Chitchat > Random Thoughts |
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | Post what ever the fuck is on your mind. . . . . . I need beer. ( And so does Vixen ) - Mon, 20 Jun 2005 2:35pm | ||
| moron User Info... | This thread sucks arse like a massive arse sucker. - Mon, 20 Jun 2005 2:45pm | ||
| Haden User Info... | I'm full... My feet hurt... - Mon, 20 Jun 2005 5:28pm | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | I masturbate to the moffats. - Mon, 20 Jun 2005 6:45pm | ||
| XY-SATAN User Info... | “I need beer.( And so does Vixen ) " ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ Internet panhandling at its best ! ;) Dr.D ? You missed the show lamo . LOL ! - Mon, 20 Jun 2005 8:26pm | ||
| Jaron Evil User Info... | You want random thoughts? I'll give you random thoughts... - Fuck Al Jolson - Does it really matter? Does it really antimatter? - Hooray for waffles! - Of all the prostitutes I've ever met, she had the nicest face I ever came across. - Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy - The straightest line between a short distance is two points. - This is just some typing. - Nothing rhymes with "nostril". - Never tell a spanish maid that you want everything to be spic-and-span. - If you ever meet identical twins, just talk to one of them. It drives the other one crazy. - - Mon, 20 Jun 2005 9:00pm | ||
| Nik Olaz User Info... | bamp a lamp a doodle damber why must my antivirus scan happen when i least want it to - Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:01pm | ||
| jay brown User Info... | there is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger. - Tue, 21 Jun 2005 5:37am | ||
| Inhalien User Info... | And no cat in catsup...... - Tue, 21 Jun 2005 6:33am | ||
| Jaron Evil User Info... | - There is now a Starbucks in my pants. - With careful training, oxen can be trained to whistle softly in the moonlight. - I've run out of Chatanooga road maps! - Spirituality is just another way to distract yourself from who you really are. - If gay men don't want to be discriminated against or made fun of, why do the majority of them act, walk, and talk like slutty women? - He-man had a boss mullet! - Fuck soccer moms. - So far this is the oldest I've been - Everything in this sentence is false. - You know whats fun? Go to a german restaurant and insist on using chopsticks. - There was no big bang. Just a big handjob. - Aluminum is a jive metal. - Think clown vomit. - - Tue, 21 Jun 2005 10:35am | ||
| Mutilashawn User Info... | flim flam fiddle bam - Tue, 21 Jun 2005 3:26pm | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | Are there any channels out there that still air Tom and Jerry? - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 8:09am | ||
| Cereal Killer User Info... | I wish I could find a store that sells Frankenberry cereal in town. - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 10:08am | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | That song "Love Gun" by Kiss is pretty damned cool. - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 10:31am | ||
| jay brown User Info... | there is no pine or apple in pineapple - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 12:38pm | ||
| _Griphin_ User Info... | I'll be happy once I can do things without getting so tired. Alas, time to nap! :) - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 3:00pm | ||
| THE POSTIE User Info... | There really are people in the Post Office in Victoria that have gun collections - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 3:24pm | ||
| Brandon User Info... | I wish i had some of those guns, i'd go into ICBC and start blasting those lying, whoreish rancid pussy smelling, beetle hooping, cock gobbling, pylon fucking, assholes away. I wouldnt even care about the punishment, it would be worth it. - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 4:16pm | ||
| Gare User Info... | Fuckin Rights Brandon! I want to go and shit kick this wad we've been dealing with there "why should ICBC help you" - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 4:29pm | ||
| _Griphin_ User Info... | Violence doesn't solve anything!!! - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 5:58pm | ||
| Tragedy User Info... | My boyfriend pees...sitting down. - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 8:20pm | ||
| Kimberleykaos User Info... | ~The electric chair was invented by a dentist~ - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 8:29pm | ||
| XY-SATAN User Info... | ...if i squint my eyes really hard ,I can almost see the inside of my eyelid. - Wed, 22 Jun 2005 8:35pm | ||
| Brandon User Info... | ICBC, "we're gonna fuck ya, get used to it." - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 7:54am | ||
| Kimberleykaos User Info... | Brandon, what's the deal with ICBC? (Not that it isn't obvious that they are a bunch of fuckas, but just curious. Have a little hate on of my own) - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 9:24am | ||
| Brandon User Info... | I called these twats to find out how much it was going to be to renew my DL and the guy said I had one "open liquor in public" ticket. Then i go down there with the money for the $75 dollar renewall fee and the $115 for my fine, and all of a sudden they say i have to pay off the rest of my insurance because I missed a payment. So now to get my DL I need like $850. What makes it worse is the guy on the phone had his head up his ass and didnt tell me that. So i have insurance until next february but no DL. Lying whores!!!!!!! The whole building reeks of screwing the general public over. LET'S BURN THAT MOTHER FUCKER TO THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!! - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 2:01pm | ||
| Masturbating The War God User Info... | I hate lazy fuckers at work, esp when I have to pick up their slack. Fuckers. - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 2:17pm | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | \m/ I like to rock \m/ - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 3:51pm | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | if it has tits or tires it's going to be trouble........ - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 4:13pm | ||
| Jaron Evil User Info... | - Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark tonight. Turning to partly light in the morning. - By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. - Masturbation is something all humans do and have done throughout history....this includes Jesus. - Life is a near-death experience. - After a big flood, where do all the rowboats go? - Is it bad luck to kill a dog with a cooking spoon? - Fuck guns in school. We need guns in church! - The pores in a latex condom are one micron in size. The human immuno-deficiency virus is one half micron. So, what's all this stuff about safe sex? - Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. - Whenever you see more than two men sitting in a parked car after dark, you can be sure drugs are involved. -Isn't it nice that when your parents are dead, they can't come back and start fucking with you again? - I never see any black twins. Whats the deal? - People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - You can't argue with a good blowjob. - Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Adolf Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. - I enjoy watching re-runs of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people. - - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 4:48pm | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | If it was raining tits and ass...........I'd get hit by an ass! :( - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 7:18pm | ||
| Jaron Evil User Info... | - Whenever I see a large crowd of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. - I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Cafe, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on the wall. - Did you ever start hittin' a guy with a big club for no reason? Just walk up to him and start beatin' him over the head with a big heavy club? It's great isn't it? - Let's give credit where it's due and admit that Scotch tape was really great idea. - The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. - Most people don't know what they're doing and most of them are really good at it. - You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeleine Albright and Yanni. - Fuck rational thought. - Never forget, Hitler was a catholic. - You know what we need? Black confetti for funerals. - It's time to start slapping people. - I once was dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection. So I asked her to bake me a loaf of bread. - Attention certain women: transporting children is not a license to drive slowly - I think I am, therefore I am. I think. - The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of its shallowness. - Nuke a gay whale for Jesus. - The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. - - Thu, 23 Jun 2005 11:51pm | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | That's enough Carlin now. - Fri, 24 Jun 2005 1:29am | ||
| karateporkchop User Info... | there's a growing number of homeless sign makers. - Fri, 24 Jun 2005 2:37am | ||
| Jaron Evil User Info... | It's NEVER enough Carlin!! Muahahahahaha!!! - - Fri, 24 Jun 2005 8:50am | ||
| ROSS B AY User Info... | That's true. Oops I spelt it rong its' troo..... - Fri, 24 Jun 2005 11:45am | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | Jaron... thats some funny shit.... To them I'm just a happy meal... Can't sleep, the clowns will eat me 'ere - Fri, 24 Jun 2005 12:06pm | ||
| Kimberleykaos User Info... | That's allright Brandon, I got cha beat. My old car (67 Mustang), when I still had it, had some car troubles and I didn't use it the last 2 months, although insured. Well, guess I didn't cancel, (and didnt know being my first car and ICBC dealings) and although 200$ was left oweing to them, it managed to exceed to the excess of 2000.00, and I didnt realize because they didn't care to send a bill, probably to allow the interest to rise, for at least 6 months. Of course it went from there, and now I am about to pay these fuckers off once and for all, but to renew my license, it will be close to $3000...makes me sick. I would just drive illegally for the rest of my road raging days, but the cost of further tix and towing does not appeal, but to part with money to these cunts is rather disturbing. That's alright, I'm getting even in my own little way. But if you need help lifting gas cans or anything lemme know... see ya'll tomorrow... - Fri, 24 Jun 2005 5:25pm | ||
| User User Info... | Never trust anyone who is wearing a coat on a hot summer's day. - Sat, 25 Jun 2005 4:53pm | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | She's not heavy, she's your mother. - Sat, 25 Jun 2005 5:10pm | ||
| ammut User Info... | ...it's really itchy if you get cat hair up your nose, and it's really hard to get out! and there's not enough tomato on my greek salad! - Sat, 25 Jun 2005 5:38pm | ||
| Suffuckation User Info... | I'm watching "Escape from Alcatraz" on A&E. It's interesting. - Sat, 25 Jun 2005 7:33pm | ||
| doppleganger User Info... | I'm a Grammar Nazi. - Sun, 26 Jun 2005 8:56pm | ||
| evilkleg User Info... | Always carry a trash bag in your car. It doesn't take up much room and if it gets full you can just throw it out the window! And remember- A day without sun is like....Night. - Tue, 28 Jun 2005 1:21pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | it takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. i have the runs. - Tue, 28 Jun 2005 10:27pm | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | If I died..... would I notice? 'ere - Tue, 28 Jun 2005 11:06pm | ||
| Tragedy User Info... | My boyfriend went and knocked me up and now my hair won't dye. I need chicken. NOW, DAMMIT!! - Wed, 29 Jun 2005 10:41am | ||
| Christopher Walken User Info... | Eraserhead is a much better movie when you listen to the benny hill theme while viewing. - Wed, 29 Jun 2005 10:51am | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | -Artistry and madness are indistinguishable to someone that doesn't understand either. Dear Jaron, doesn't colossal rhyme with nostril? Is Tragedy really knocked up? Awwww....that's so cute. I've been getting some shooting style pain in my left ear. Please just be an infection. - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 7:50pm | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | I'm drinking cognac in my underwear. - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 7:56pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Does the cognac seep out of the pores of your underwear or did you starch them good for this purpose? - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 7:57pm | ||
| jepsycho User Info... | My neighbours are ignorant fux - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 8:06pm | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | the cognac pours out my underoos, ther're fun to wear. - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 8:08pm | ||
| jepsycho User Info... | I just creamed my jeans picturing that :) - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 8:23pm | ||
| _Griphin_ User Info... | New technology sucks due to price of addons and whether or not it will work these days. :( - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 8:58pm | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | Why does the church tell you to swear to God.... and when you tell him to fuck off, they call you a blasphemer 'ere - Thu, 30 Jun 2005 8:59pm | ||
| Tragedy User Info... | I've never totally bought the whole evolution thing, my blood type is O Negative and Rh Negative which means I have no rhesus monkey genes in my dna, so this chick did NOT come from a monkey and neither has anyone in my blood line going way back but if we're not slowly evolving into a race of hermaphodites... WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES?!? Meybe I'm an alien. Dumpstermesh- yup. Pain in the ear could be an ear infection (have you been dizzy or clumsy lately?) or a sinus infection (do your teeth hurt?) or just plain nerves, or it could be a giant tumor in your ear hole. SOOKE SKIDS BEYOTCHES!!!! - Fri, 1 Jul 2005 5:47am | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | I've voting for the "just plain nerves" ever since I quit smoking pot my tendonitis has been acting up and I seem to be a bit grouchy at times. I've been having the wickedist nightmares and paranoid thoughts too. See ya at the show!! - Fri, 1 Jul 2005 6:47am | ||
| Tragedy User Info... | Definitley. Come say hi if you recognize me, eh? - Fri, 1 Jul 2005 7:23am | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | Tragedy, as a non-believer in evolution have you ever wondered; if people evolved from monkeys..........why are there still monkeys? - Fri, 1 Jul 2005 6:20pm | ||
| Tragedy User Info... | Exactly, my friend. It's a fat load of pure bullshit, and I can feel the debate coming on anytime now... But I still think I'm an alien. - Sat, 2 Jul 2005 7:41am | ||
| jepsycho User Info... | I am hungry go make me some food right now!!!! - Sat, 2 Jul 2005 11:48am | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | you didnt buy Mcdonalds..I FUCKIN HATE YOU!. - Sat, 2 Jul 2005 5:12pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | dont let this thread die so soon. i was enjoying. fucktwats. - Mon, 4 Jul 2005 9:55pm | ||
| wanless User Info... | I can't stand how some singers use an effect on their voices for an entire song. example, The Black Keys - she said she said - Mon, 4 Jul 2005 10:45pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Expectations are premeditated resentment. - Tue, 5 Jul 2005 9:07am | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | ...........and girls have a vagina :) - Tue, 5 Jul 2005 5:44pm | ||
| XY-AGHORI User Info... | Evolution = improvement Genesis = blind acceptance - Tue, 5 Jul 2005 8:32pm | ||
| Kimberleykaos User Info... |  | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | [burp] 'ere - Tue, 5 Jul 2005 10:50pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Hahahahah that rules KK. Random thought for the day: I'm making peach Bellinis after work today (unless my man finds the vodka first). - Wed, 6 Jul 2005 11:06am | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | why does 7-11 have locks on the door when its open 24-7-365? - Wed, 6 Jul 2005 8:33pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Great point sir fatso. He didn't find the vodka. hehehehehehe.... *guzzles another bellini* - Thu, 7 Jul 2005 1:15am | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | 7-11's have locks so that if they get robbed they can lock the doors behind the robbers. - Thu, 7 Jul 2005 5:02pm | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | 7-11's have locks so they stop jay from coming in and stealing all the poo-burgs when he's loaded. Carefull jay, those fuckers are hot, you can easily burn yer nuts when shoving them down yer pants! - Thu, 7 Jul 2005 6:23pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | do you have hots for me pauly?. its ok to be confused and hungry....and drunk. - Fri, 8 Jul 2005 3:41am | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | why do they call them apartments when they're so close together? - Fri, 8 Jul 2005 3:46am | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | I don't know, why do they call it taking a dump when really you're leaving a dump? - Fri, 8 Jul 2005 4:00pm | ||
| Suffuckation User Info... | Dog farts can be the worst. - Sat, 9 Jul 2005 1:25pm | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | If they're called Jehovah's witnesses.... what are the charges?.. Crimes against humanity 'ere - Sat, 9 Jul 2005 3:35pm | ||
| Ammut User Info... | dammit, I can't find a bathing suit that isn't a)way too big! b)super expensive c)ugly ...and why do people always act shocked and make a big deal out of the fact that I don't like the sun and heat! - Sat, 9 Jul 2005 4:56pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | if you shove food up yer ass, will you poo out yer mouth? - Sun, 10 Jul 2005 9:03pm | ||
| Brandon User Info... | yes - Sun, 10 Jul 2005 9:26pm | ||
| Dr.DoomXXX User Info... | It worked on South Park. (...and then I changed the channel) - Mon, 11 Jul 2005 2:03pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Hey Ammut I'm with you on that one. I hide out all summer waiting for the fall. Are you pale and get sun stroked easily too? I can't tan. I go from red to white. Who wants to look like leather when their old anyways? I found a decent bathing suit made by Rip Curl. Haven't worn it yet. They make good stuff. Buy late in the season for next year:) - Mon, 11 Jul 2005 9:20pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | thanks for pointing out my blatant plagiarism, asswipe. - Mon, 11 Jul 2005 10:15pm | ||
| ammut User Info... | dumpstermesh...yes, that definatly sounds like me! My eyes are also very sensitive to light, so the sun tends to give me excruciating migraines! and yeah, who the hell wants skin cancer, leather wrinkle skin and creepy sun spots anyways gross! - Tue, 12 Jul 2005 12:47pm | ||
| Tragedy User Info... | I used my boyfriend's axe body wash and it mixed badly with my body chemistry and made me smell like an asparagus. Weird, no? - Tue, 12 Jul 2005 4:53pm | ||
| Jesspsycho User Info... | But are all the dirty girls following you around now taking off their clothes for you??? (Just like the commercial) - Tue, 12 Jul 2005 5:33pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Hey Ammut: I forgot to mention the migraines. Yes, I get those too. Mostly from glare, like through a window or something. We should go shade hopping sometime!! Hey Tragedy: Ewwww. But at least you don't smell like pee after eating asparagus. That's worse. - Wed, 13 Jul 2005 9:04pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | theres nothing like a good dump in the morning. really. - Thu, 14 Jul 2005 8:48pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | Boston Creme pie is like a HUGE boston creme donut without the hole.... *shovels into face* - Thu, 14 Jul 2005 9:07pm | ||
| SickFuk User Info... | Women are the holy trinity...... One women, 3 holes... 'ere - Fri, 15 Jul 2005 9:44pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | perfect. couldnt have said it better myself. - Fri, 15 Jul 2005 10:23pm | ||
| Kimberleykaos User Info... | Lies Your Mommy Told You Your head's been filled with filthy fibs since you were in Huggies. Time to crack it open for a scalding scrub of truth. Your mother was good at many things—bandaging wounds, making apple pie, most of the Kama Sutra—but telling you the truth wasn’t one of ’em. Since the day you were born, your friends, teachers, and even parents have been passing along an endless stream of half-truths and outright freaking lies. (Remember the Easter Bunny?) Prepare to be rewired, truth-seekers. We’re cranking up the bullshit meter and going in! LIE You can survive a bear attack by playing dead. The real deal: The good news is you may not need to play dead for long. It’s probably too late to brush up on zoology when a pissed Ursus horribilis is slobbering down your neck, but the truth is, your response should depend on the bear. If it’s a grizzly, your only real option is to go limp (hell, you’ve probably fainted and soiled yourself anyway) and try to remain that way even when you’re dragged around like a chew toy. But if it’s a smaller black or brown bear, you should fight back. Wave your arms to look bigger and shout or bang pots together to try to frighten him off. If he moves in close, start swinging with anything handy—a tree branch, a tent pole, your Jellystone Park flashlight—and pray it isn’t a mother protecting her kiddos. LIE Drinking coffee sobers you up. The real deal: The java cure is dangerous jive. Did happy hour last till closing time again? Gulp an espresso if you like, but don’t believe it’ll set you straight. Though the caffeine may wake you up, it has a negligible effect on blood alcohol level and won’t improve your booze-impaired motor skills. The false sense of alertness may even fool you into doing something really stupid, like driving or dialing up your ex. Luckily, Starbucks also offers those comfy couches… LIE Cell phones make gas pumps go boom. The real deal: Only if you’re calling a phone-sex line and need to light a cigarette. The rumor that the static charge from a cell can suddenly spark gas fumes started in 1999 as a widely circulated e-mail that cited several horrific (and completely made-up) examples. But don’t feel ashamed if you’ve been stuffing your phone into the glove box before pulling up to the pump: This fake-out has clawed its way into cell manuals and nerve-jangling, lawsuit-avoiding caution signs at gas stations. All that even though there has never been a single confirmed incident, and a 2001 investigation by the Center for the Study of Wireless Electromagnetic Compatibility at the University of Oklahoma found “virtually no evidence to suggest that cell phones pose a hazard at gas stations.” So feel free to crank-call OPEC while you’re filling up with their $2 black gold. LIE Just after 9/11, Bush let a planeload of Saudis, including bin Laden’s family, sneak out of the U.S. when all other air traffic was grounded. The real deal: Don’t believe everything Michael Moore says. The Fahrenheit 9/11 director was scarfing down another Crisco hoagie when he should’ve been double-checking this fat exaggeration. While it’s true that (a) the American government did help some Saudis (including a few of Osama’s extended family) leave to avoid being lynched, and (b) the Bushes have more suspicious ties to the Saudi royal family than the Clintons have excuses for sleeping in separate beds, the Saudis didn’t split until after air travel was reopened for the general public. And according to Richard Clarke, the Clinton-appointed former counterterrorism adviser whose book Against All Enemies is harshly critical of the Bush administration, he was the one who approved the exit. Lastly, the 9/11 Commission found that many of the Saudis were asked “detailed questions” by FBI agents before they were allowed to leave. Liar, liar, XXXXXL pants on fire! LIE Living under power lines will give you cancer. The real deal: This theory can finally be zapped. Starting in the late 1970s, living in proximity to electrical power lines was blamed for everything from leukemia to Alzheimer’s to third arms sprouting from people’s backs. Unfortunately for salivating class-action lawyers, the hysteria-inducing early studies were both small and flawed. More than 100 subsequent investigations, including a comprehensive, definitive 1997 study by the National Cancer Institute, found almost no correlation between low-frequency electromagnetic fields and childhood leukemia (a prime indicator of harmful exposure). Still antsy? Consider this: Power lines produce electric fields in the human body that are smaller than those produced by the body itself; the magnetic fields they produce are hundreds of times smaller than the field produced by the Earth. And if you truly believe there’s no link, we have a beautiful piece of property to sell you that just happens to have a lovely view of a nuclear power plant. LIE Big shoes equal big schlong The real deal: Size 14 loafers may qualify you for a clown act, but not a porn flick. The feet-matches-meat myth has likely been around since man started wrapping his equipment in pelts, leaving horny cave women to gossip about any appendage they could still see. Feel no shame, size six wearers! In 2002, researchers at University College London measured the poles and soles of 104 men, from teens to retirees, and found no evidence linking foot and penis length. Caveat: Only limp, “gently stretched” penises were measured. Apparently, science won’t go to any length to settle this issue. LIE Men reach their sexual peak 15 to 20 years before women do. The real deal: Oh…oh…that feels so wrong! Despite compelling evidence presented by The Graduate and Stifler’s mom, the fact is that by their late teens, men and women both peak in regard to physiological factors such as hormone levels and ease of arousal. “But because of societal pressures in our culture, women often feel less comfortable and are less capable of orgasm in younger years,” explains Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the CEO of adult-product-and-information site MyPleasure.com. “The sexual-peak myth probably derives from women in their mid-30s finally saying, ‘To hell with it, I’m going to enjoy myself.’” Hence your mother’s success in the scheisse-film industry. LIE Dogs only see in black and white. The real deal: Only if Rover is humping a Dalmatian. Though your best friend’s keen sense of smell is equally vital to navigating his ass-perfumed world, canine vision isn’t limited to the colors of an Oreo. (Down, boy! No begging!) “Dogs are color-blind compared to humans, but they don’t see only in black and white,” explains Diane Hendrix, associate professor of veterinary ophthalmology at the University of Tennessee. “Dog eyes contain only two kinds of cones, which actually see in yellow and blue. In other words, dogs are red-green color-blind, as is the case with many human men.” Great—as if we needed another excuse for running stoplights. LIE Baseball was invented in America. The real deal: The seventh inning isn’t the only thing being stretched here. First of all, Abner Doubleday didn’t invent our national pastime. That patriotic fib came from a 1908 baseball commission’s claim, based solely on the testimony of a boyhood pal, that the Civil War hero devised the game in Cooperstown, New York in 1839. Baseball most likely evolved from “rounders,” a child’s stick-and-ball game common in England in the 1600s (it was even called “base-ball” there as early as 1744). Further back, illustrations from 13th-century Spain and ancient Egypt seem to depict versions of the game. Football similarly evolved from the U.K., and basketball was invented by a Canadian. Luckily, we can credit New York sportsman Alexander Cartwright with founding the first organized baseball club in 1845 and codifying many rules of the modern game, including tagging a runner out instead of beaning him with the ball. Hmm, anybody else think that wasn’t necessarily an improvement? LIE Going out in the cold causes colds. The real deal: Finally, a cure for this common quackery. “You’re going out without a coat? You’ll catch a cold!” Actually, Mother dear, you’ll nag us to death before we get sick shoveling snow in a Speedo. Studies funded by the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases reveal that exposure to cold weather has little or no effect on cold susceptibility. Despite its name, the common cold is caused by numerous viruses, not temperature. You catch a cold when a virus is deposited into your nasal passages by droplets from coughs and sneezes or your own contaminated fingers. (Although you may feel stuffed up when you go from your warm house to the cold outdoors, this is because your nasal membranes swell from contact with cold air; this stuffiness then briefly becomes a runny nose when exposed to warm air, but it’s not a cold.) So why do colds spread like crazy in winter? Because rug rats are locked up in germ-factory schools and adults spend more time indoors, where infection thrives. LIE Smoking marijuana will make you sterile. The real deal: More reefer madness. If pot causes sterility, how could there be any little Rastafarians running around? Yes, some lab studies have indicated that marijuana use temporarily hinders performance (for the record, so does alcohol), but there has been no proven link to actual weed-fiend infertility. That said, illegal drugs aren’t tested nearly as often as we’d like, and for couples having difficulty conceiving, doctors often suggest putting the ganja away. After all, it’s tough to make a baby if you can’t stop watching that SpongeBob SquarePants marathon. LIE You should brush your teeth after every meal. The real deal: Smile, you need dentures! Acidic foods soften tooth enamel, so if you dash for the Pepsodent after every glass of O.J. instead of letting your saliva naturally neutralize the acid, you could actually erode that hard layer and open the door to—cue third-grade health film—Mr. Tooth Decay. (You’re better off brushing before meals.) Furthermore, recent periodontal research shows that electric and hard-bristled toothbrushes are causing people to scrub their teeth and gums too enthusiastically, which can result in sensitivity, gum recession, and general chopper funk. Instead, use a soft brush and rinse out before the two-minute mark. Or just move to England. LIE You can catch VD from a toilet seat. The real deal: Well, it’s highly unlikely. No, there’s no reason to emulate those germphobic gals who build Charmin bird’s nests on public toilet seats. According to a spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control, “There are no documented cases of someone being infected with an STD from contact with a toilet seat.” So that’s settled. Except…the CDC admits, “More research may be needed to say it is completely impossible.” And consider this: Though gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis bacteria die quickly outside the body—as does HIV—studies show that the secretion from an open herpes sore can survive outside the body for up to four hours. So, theoretically, herpes microorganisms on a toilet seat could be passed along to another squatter who has a sore or break in the skin. But that’s strictly theoretical. Yep, next to impossible. Pass another roll of paper over here. LIE Committing suicide is against the law. The real deal: Go jump off a bridge. Do you really think they’d drag a dead body in front of a judge? Not even attempted suicide is treated as a crime. “As a practical matter, that’s myth,” says Texas attorney Skip Simpson, who specializes in suicide malpractice law. “States simply don’t prosecute individuals for attempting to kill themselves—it’s never happened in the U.S.” Information from the American Association of Suicidology shows that while nine states technically considered suicide a crime in 1968, only two—South Carolina and Kentucky—still had it on the books as a felony in 1998. However, attempting it can get you committed to a psych ward. And assisting in another person’s suicide will still land you in jail almost everywhere. Keep that in mind the next time your mother-in-law leans out a window. LIE Christopher Columbus discovered America. The real deal: As we all learned in first grade, in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue…and that’s about it. He never actually docked on the American mainland, instead hopping around Caribbean islands like a 15th-century Jimmy Buffet. Even if he had, the Vikings beat him by, oh, 500 years with a colony in Newfoundland. A Portuguese map from 1424 shows islands in the Caribbean, and other evidence suggests that everyone from Chinese explorers to Druids to Pacific islanders might’ve sailed here first. Plus, as any freshman worth his multicultural-studies syllabus will note, Europeans couldn’t technically “discover” anything already inhabited by tribal peoples who migrated from Siberia (and maybe even earlier from Australia, according to new evidence) 10,000 years before Columbus set sail. But don’t get us wrong—we’ll still use his birthday to skip work and “discover” our couch. LIE Crazy behavior spikes during a full moon. The real deal: Put your pants back on, moon boy. Like beer goggles, this natural phenomenon gets blamed for all sorts of peculiar happenings, from sleepwalking to an increase in traffic accidents, birth rate, psychiatric admissions, and furry man-beasts ripping open the throats of quaint villagers. But in 1996, researchers combed through more than 100 previous studies on lunar effects and found there was no significant correlation between the full moon and your sudden urge to bare your ass to a group of nuns. Curiously, some studies have found that women are more likely to menstruate during a full moon. But we’d never say you exhibit “crazy behavior,” dear. Now please put down the knife. LIE Everybody loves Raymond. The real deal: Don’t believe the hype! Sure, 10 million Americans watch this suburbanized rehash of The Honeymooners every week (and we’ll give credit where credit is due: Peter Boyle is a comic god among us mere mortals). But simple math shows that there are 280 million Americans who dislike Raymond enough to do something else on Monday nights. Just to be sure, we asked Agnes Watkins, 59, of Cedar Falls, Iowa about her affection for Raymond, and as far as she’s concerned, she “can take him or leave him.” So there. The Rich And Fallacious Believe everything you read in the tabloids? So do we! But sometimes a show biz lie gets out. Here are five famous fake-outs. 1 Bill Cosby bought The Little Rascals to keep them off TV. While Bill Cosby is very rich and doubtless not amused by Buckwheat, King World Productions still owns the show. And King World itself is more than happy to let you watch every minute of the Rascals, especially if you’re willing to shell out the bucks to buy them on DVD. Otay! 2 Waterworld was a monumental box office disaster. Kevin Costner’s epic Road Warrior ripoff cost a ton ($175 million) and received miserable reviews, leading many to conclude it flopped in theaters. Wrong. Thanks largely to overseas moviegoers, it raked in over $264 million. Never underestimate the crappy taste of foreigners. 3 Mama Cass choked to death on a ham sandwich. While she was a big fan of groceries, the Mamas and the Papas singer died of heart failure, not aggravated sandwich. This tasty bit of gossip grew legs because a ham sandwich was found on her nightstand after her death, apparently with a very guilty look on its face. 4 Robert De Niro is the greatest Italian of all time. We hate to break it to you, folks, but the star of The Godfather Part II and GoodFellas has a secret. Tell ’em, Bobby: “I’m not all Italian. I’m part Dutch, I’m part French, I’m part German, I’m part Irish.” Whew. If it turns out Denzel ain’t actually black, we’re going to be very disappointed. 5 Richard Gere went to the hospital with a gerbil up his ass. There are no documented cases of a man needing medical care to remove a gerbil from his colon. This story picked up steam after a hoaxer sent out numerous fake ASPCA press releases attacking Gere for “animal cruelty.” Still, Gere’s career remains firmly lodged in his rectum. - Mon, 18 Jul 2005 3:40pm | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | this one time, a family walked into a kfc, and ordered a bucket of chicken, well it turned out that one of the pieces was kinda long and stringy, so the kid pulls it out of the bucket, and do you know what... It was a rat! You guys Seriously! - Mon, 18 Jul 2005 6:52pm | ||
| Kimberleykaos User Info... | Should I assume everytime I read..."You Guys Seriously!", that it may not actually be the truth? Gross, none the less, thanks for the visual. - Tue, 19 Jul 2005 7:41pm | ||
| The Colonel User Info... | I would probably rather eat a rat than that greasy ass chicken. - Tue, 19 Jul 2005 8:01pm | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | ass chicken? - Tue, 19 Jul 2005 10:03pm | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | is that where the nuggets come from?? - Wed, 20 Jul 2005 4:42pm | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | axe deodorant, axe body spray and axe body wash do not leave the same smell on the same person (if you used all 3 on the same person).........(at once) - Wed, 20 Jul 2005 4:43pm | ||
| Kimberleykaos User Info... | Have you tested this theory? Bawhahaha...I suggest finding a subject (ahem) and having a smelly contest. That would be strong and pretty sick actually. - Wed, 20 Jul 2005 6:22pm | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | I strongly suggest performing the test in a controlled environment and taking a billion........no........zillion pictures of it!! - Wed, 20 Jul 2005 6:25pm | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | those jak's guys are pretty smelly, lets axe em! - Wed, 20 Jul 2005 7:49pm | ||
| Jesspsycho User Info... | I dont have random thoughts :( - Thu, 21 Jul 2005 9:18am | ||
| Tragedy User Info... | I have random acid flashbacks. And I keep having dreams about oompa loompas. - Thu, 21 Jul 2005 9:37am | ||
| jay fatso User Info... | If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. - Thu, 21 Jul 2005 7:51pm | ||
| expectedly_stunted User Info... |  | ||
| pernicious d User Info... | When you buy shit in a store do not make jokes with the cashier. You are not funny. - Tue, 26 Jul 2005 7:07pm | ||
| ammut User Info... | I for one love it when customers make some crack I've heard about a million other times and they think that they're the first ones to say it. Especially when I hear at least 5 times a day about how I don't look old enough to work at a beer store, or they point out that i have green in my hair like I wouldn't have noticed! *rolls eyes* - Wed, 27 Jul 2005 10:36am | ||
| _Griphin_ User Info... | Fuck it's HOT!!! - Wed, 27 Jul 2005 11:28am | ||
| pernicious d User Info... | Has anyone out there ever grabbed an old ladies sagging hooters? - Sun, 31 Jul 2005 6:52pm | ||
| Meatlikesubstance User Info... | pentecostal rhymes with nostril...so there. - Wed, 17 Aug 2005 4:35pm | ||
| thatguyfromhanson User Info... | I hate the beer shits...Especially when it gets so bad you gotta flush the toilet half way through - Fri, 19 Aug 2005 11:06am | ||
| Rubber Box User Info... | Thats not bad. Its bad when the toilet flushes itself halfway through - Fri, 19 Aug 2005 11:56am | ||
| thatguyfromhanson User Info... | Nicely done - Fri, 19 Aug 2005 9:27pm | ||
| XY-SATAN User Info... | So what is good for the goose,is good for the gander . ..and if a Male goose is called a "gander" . What yea fak do you call a female goose ? Their both gooses right ? - Sat, 20 Aug 2005 2:38am | ||
| MURDALIZER User Info... | Is it wrong to hang out in parks and place yer pecker in blind womens hands? - Sat, 20 Aug 2005 5:28pm | ||
| dumpstermesh User Info... | NO!! ...*pretends to be blind and hangs out in parks*. - Mon, 22 Aug 2005 2:21am | ||
| alcoholly User Info... | why is it that people think "small car" means "go ahead and park your big-ass boat here"? - Sat, 27 Aug 2005 2:18pm | ||
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